In my life, I have always shown great attitude but no aptitude in sports. However, the attitude later turned out to be people’s way of describing my character.
It was my 7th grade swimming competition day, and the only spot available for me was in the 200m race. I gasped – I was a bona fide beginner. Nevertheless, within a few minutes, I was standing on the diving board, ready to be sucked into the deep water. As I surreptitiously glanced at my sides, I recoiled at the sight of two, tall, buff age-champions relaxing and stretching their arms. I immediately felt my body shrinking to make itself even smaller. Shutting my eyes tight, I leapt.
The next thing I knew was that my goggles had slipped down to my nose and icy water was biting at my naked eyes. Bewildered, I gulped down a mouthful of water, and scrambled my way up to the atmosphere. When I emerged above the surface, roaring laughter burst out from the crowd. Embarrassed, I hastily pulled up my goggles and hysterically waved my arms and legs to catch up with the distant competitors.
The chaotic period of fiasco continued, and finally I was facing the last 50m of the race. I heaved myself up and caught a glimpse of the already-finished competitors. Quickly, I hid myself back in the water and kept going. However, why was I keep going? This was an absolute failure. As the word ‘failure’ carved into my heart, tears started welling up in my eyes. However, it was when the failure became so manifest that my burning determination came alive.
The failure would make me lose, but could never stop me. I could never succumb to the stupid exhaustion or humiliation. Therefore, I was going to finish the race. Once again, I fiercely combated the agonizing pain in my body and stumbled my way through the pool. Soon, I stretched my hand out for the tantalizing wall. A gentle touch, and I was done. Puffing, I slowly lifted my head up and dragged myself out of the pool.
“Go Gina! You made it!”
My body was very weak and I could not walk straight, but I clearly heard the people’s shouts. Then, I the principal came to shake my wet hand. She exclaimed, “Whoa, Gina! In my entire life I have never seen a student more determined than you!”
From then on, the word ‘determined’ has always followed me around. I am not the best in anything, but I always do the best of my ability to achieve what I want.
Until now, I have begun and completed countless races not only in pool lanes but also in every aspect of my life. Still, I have no clue about my final race – the finale to my endeavor is not visible like the wall of the swimming pool. However, one thing remains clear. I will never give up until I reach there, because that is my attitude, determined more than anyone.
OVERALL:
ReplyDeleteWhat is your favorite part of the essay? Why?
I like the fresh beginning, full of vivid descriptions, ‘sucked into the deepwater’, ‘tall’. The use of Adjectives flesh out and reinforce the fear behind the ability to swim well.
THEME:
What is the theme of this essay?
The question in itself was ‘what single adjective do you think would be most frequently used to describe you by those who know you best?’ The theme spreads out farther though, expressing that, though Gina’s skills may not be world class, or the best in areas, determination allows her to continue on her life despite difficulties.
What clues told you that this was the theme?
The final paragraph, describing the theme in a subtle way, told me that this was the overall theme. ‘Still I have no clue about my final race’
How could the theme be more evident?
Perhaps, Gina could make hints from the beginning, not just begin to develop at the end of the essay. Perhaps give more signs that you are determined without using the adjective itself. Such as, “I am going to finish this, even if.....”
Describe the effects of the hook. Is the hook interesting?
ReplyDeleteAs this is a college application essay, the hook isn’t dramatic. Nevertheless, it is interesting. The hook is whether Gina was going to survive through the swim, or how the story relates to the adjective. The effects are, as in normal hooks, make the reader read further on to the tale.
Is the essay logical? Are there parts of the story that are confusing?
The essay is very logical, written in timeframe format.
Are there parts of the essay that you think the author could cut without impacting the overall message?
I believe not, as the word count is very small. Also, I would advise against adding more, as it would be very difficult to cut out from your almost 500 word count, add new ideas, and have it not go over the word limit without making the essay sound brief and generalized.
FOCUS ON THE DETAILS:
ReplyDeleteWhich paragraphs are the strongest? Why?
The beginning paragraphs are the strongest, as it describes mostly who you are, without using exact word. You show that you are nervous in a competition, that you doubt your own abilities, and you are frightened of others. This reveals yourself to the reader.
Are any paragraphs in need of further details? Which? Why do you think this?
I believe Gina should develop the 8th paragraph a bit more, and cut generally from the whole essays for the word count. But be careful not to destroy ideas in the process. The 8th paragraph is important as your essay’s format is the present (intro), past, and present, and future. The second present is quite short, and undeveloped.
If this were your essay, which paragraph(s) would you choose to revise? Why? (be specific for each paragraph you mention)
I would revise the whole thing, replace unnecessary words with one single, elegant word, develop ideas further, perhaps bring in a more philosophical facet of the essay.
END WITH ENCOURAGEMENT!
Use this space to write something encouraging for your peer.
Excellent work, keep it up.